Surviving Bereavement In The Family |
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Nothing in this world can ever prepare you for a death in your immediate family. Nothing. It is a unique experience, a sorrow known only to the person grieving. You will never be the same person again. Never will you look at life in the same way again. Someone has said that grief never puts us back where we were when we met it. Emerging from deep sorrow is like coming in out of a hailstorm: it hurts us, but we dry ourselves off and go on with life.
Life is hard, and losing someone we love, a close family member, is one of the hardest things we endure. We don’t know why this special person is taken from us, but we go on because we know it is our only choice. Life is for the living. You can always remember this person in special ways, but never must you give in to your grief totally and give up on life.
How long does it take to get over losing a family member? Is there a process we go through? What can we do to get through those first hard hours and days? Whom do we talk to? Does anyone really care about our intense feelings? Will I ever get over this terrible, aching sadness? What if I never feel happy again?
There is no timetable to grief. It depends on the person grieving and the person lost. Some people seem to bounce back into the mainstream of life. Others see in to face a long winding road that never ends. Just remember that others have traveled this lonely road and have emerged. You can too.
Grieving is a definite process. When you lose a loved one your first reaction is shock. No, this can’t be true. This cannot be happening to my family. Denial follows. No, I will not accept this tragedy in 1ny family. It will go away, and things will be the same as they were. This is just a bad dream. Anger follows denial. This is not fair! It is not fair that my wonderful father has to die of cancer when there are so many awful people in the world still alive! Believe it or not, anger is the stage that can help you cope better than the others can. After anger, guilt follows. Did I do enough for this person? Was I kind enough? What about the time we had that argument? What about the time I lied? Depression follows guilt. I don’t care anymore about life. I don’t care what happens to me. Finally acceptance comes. Blessed acceptance comes, for we could not continue carrying this hugh load of emotional baggage.
The most difficult task any young person can undertake - is trying to make sense out of the death of a parent. The great stabilizer of our life is gone. So many questions are unanswered. So many feelings are ignored. Young people don’t need to hear platitudes after they have encountered one of the biggest shocks of their lives. You deserve the same respect for your pain as any adult deserves and expects. You are hurting. You need answers. Mainly you need someone to talk to. Hour after hour. Day after day. Find that special friend to help you put your shattered heart back together. No, your heart will never fit in that perfect puzzle again, but you can make a new puzzle. You can become a newer, stronger person. Show the world that although your heart may be broken, you're not broken.
Whom do you talk to after this life-altering experience? Who cares? Who has the time to sit and hold your hand and promise you that the sun will still rise every morning?
Talk to your remaining parent. He or she is suffering too. What about your siblings? What about relatives? Talk to a caring teacher at school, or the school counselor. Talk to your clergyperson or a friend at church or temple. It is vital that you do find someone to talk to. Keeping your feelings bottled up does your body physical harm. The feelings are going to come out in one way or another. Let them come out the natural way. It’s okay to talk about your parent’s death. It’s no sin to wonder why, ask why, cry out loud why? It’s normal and healthy to ask why.
During the first few weeks and months after your loss, your body is under tremendous stress, physically and emotionally. In these times it’s hard to remember to take extra care of yourself. Your body defenses are down, and it is easy to become ill. Get plenty of rest. Try to eat three balanced meals a day though you may not be hungry. If you don’t feel like going to school, don't. One week off should be sufficient for you to get hold of yourself. Remember, you and your body have undergone a terrible strain. After losing a parent you need time to heal. Healing and acceptance don't come overnight. Don't expect it, and don't be hard on yourself.
In this stressful time you may encounter some peculiar problems. You may have trouble concentrating at school. You may have trouble sleeping or eating. Maybe you are experiencing nightmares and sweating. You may lose weight or gain weight. You may feel achy all over and just not your usual self. That is normal. These symptoms will pass in time.
A good way to begin to cope after a dreadful loss is to take up that hobby you have always wanted to do. Take dancing lessons. Take painting lessons, or music, or a creative writing course. Do anything that will help take your mind off your loss. Do some volunteer work at the hospital or a rest homes. Get out and talk to other people. You will be surprised at how good it will feel to take your mind off yourself, even if for a day. Who knows? That hobby might someday turn your entire life around.
Believe it or not, your life will go on without your parent. Time is the great healer, and one day you will find yourself laughing and going on with your life. Not in the same way, but nevertheless going on. You will look at things in a different way. Sorrow teaches many lessons along the way, and you will be much the wiser person. Take heart. Someday you will be comforting friends who have lost a parent, and you will say that your life has gone on and theirs will too.
"Forgotten grievers" is a term applied to children who experience the loss of a sister or brother. Perhaps they could also be called the lonely mourners. Whom do you turn to when you have lost a sister or brother? Your parents? No. They are overwhelmed by their own devastating pain. You are lost in your own private sea of pain. People come to talk with your parents in the living room while you mourn your loss alone in your bedroom. It is a frustrating and heartbreaking situation. Somehow people think there is nothing to losing a brother or sister. How wrong. Losing a sibling can mean everything, losing your best and only friend, losing some of your childhood.
Added to the forgotten grievers’ burden of loneliness and grief is the possibility that they had a love-hate relationship with the one who has died? The love is natural, but competitive human nature interferes.
After a death, whether we are young children or adults, instead of remembering all the good times we shared, we remember the times we shouted angrily or slapped and punched, creating tremendous guilt.
The range of problems and needs that the surviving sibling encounters is almost limitless. You may ask: "Will this soon happen to me?" "Are my parents going to die next?" "It should have been me, why wasn’t it?" "My sister was my parents' favorite, and they don’t care about me." "God must be punishing me for being mean to my brother." The saddest comment of all-"I’m all alone now. I’ve lost my parents too, because they talk about nothing but the one has died."
In the United States alone over 400,000 children under the age of twenty-live die each year from catastrophic illness, infant diseases, suicide, murder, and accidents. Large numbers of these children are survived by siblings numbering in the millions. Millions of surviving siblings who are yearning to be understood. These millions become tens of millions with each year also bringing the death of adult children over twenty-five who die before their parents. The emotions experienced by siblings after the death of a sister or brother are rooted in early childhood relationships.
Several problems are encountered by the remaining sibling. Parents tend to overprotect the survivor, afraid to allow normal activities. Surviving children are often haunted by the fear of something untoward happening to their parents. Another problem is parents who remind survivors of the dead child at family events, graduations, weddings, birthdays. Sometimes a surviving child wants to hold onto something that belonged to the dead sibling, a piece of jewelry, a scarf, a shirt. Parents often resent seeing their living child wearing an object that was worn by the dead sibling.
How do you cope with holidays and anniversaries? Many surviving sisters and brothers do well for months and then suddenly become depressed at approaching holidays or the anniversary of a siblings death. These reactions are normal. Parents need to remember that they still have a child alive, and life goes on. In talking about how siblings heal after the loss of a brother or sister, communication and having someone to share thoughts with are all-important. Let's talk to one survivor who lost a sister and see how she handled it.
Each person is unique and expresses pain differently. Outwardly some surviving brothers and sisters may appear to have coped with grief successfully, but inwardly they continue to suffer. But, like parents, siblings learn to control their grief in that they don’t consciously think of it every minute. Siblings and parents can live a good and complete life, but they can’t expect to be the way they were before. It is normal to remember the dead, but that remembering does not preclude getting on with life. The important thing is not that our brothers or sisters died, but that they lived.
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